peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
