hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
