Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
