my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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