at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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