Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
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