im six kinds of drunk right now
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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