EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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