Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
