The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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