if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I pour the whiskey from now on
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
