I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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