the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
