So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
