Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
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