I can't breathe out the right side of my face
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
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