Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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