I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
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its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
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HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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