I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
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