the condom got lost in my hair
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
