He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I am one with the molecules
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
