I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
