Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
