this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
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