Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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