If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
