dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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