Just mADE A PArabola og urine
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
