My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Randomize
