wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
