Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
