Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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