I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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