Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
