Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
