On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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