My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
