she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
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