shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
