I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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