Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
