Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Randomize
