wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
