I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
