So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Randomize
