Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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