but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
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i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
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Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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