I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
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