you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
