he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
