I must be too annoying 4 u.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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