my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
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