My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
