I looked at my own cervix.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
