How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
