If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
