i wish starbucks made bloody marys
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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