you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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