Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
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