T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Randomize
