Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
