I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Can I color on your dick again?
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Randomize
