i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I want her autograph on my taint
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
