Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
