If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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