Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
