You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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